28 Nov My Experience With Grief / 2 Years
Today marks the 2 year anniversary of losing my mom to triple negative breast cancer, but right now it feels like it’s been much longer. This past year, so many things have changed and I feel like I’m always busy, so I don’t have time to reflect on how I’m feeling about my loss. Even in therapy I don’t talk much about my mom, and I know that I avoid it because I don’t want to cry (which I shouldn’t do!). (Read My Experience with Grief here)
If I ever do talk about her, it’s usually to someone who isn’t closely related to the situation, so I’m very factual and disconnected from it emotionally. I don’t really talk about her to anyone in my family for many reasons:
– My sister isn’t at the same stage of grief as me and it’s just awkward if I start crying about it and she doesn’t
– My grandmother is just going to start crying and that’s super sad, so I avoid talking about my mom at all costs
– I don’t have much of a relationship with my father
– My aunt and I do talk about it a little, but she lives in Germany so it’s really different than if we’re having a conversation face to face
The only person that I really feel like I can talk to about my mom is my boyfriend, but then again, he doesn’t have much to say about it. I just want someone who knew her as well as I did that I can talk to about it. I want someone that I can cry with and it be okay because yeah, we miss her!
I’ve really been avoiding checking in with myself and seeing how I’m feeling about losing my mom. The 2 year anniversary has been in the back of my mind for the past week, but I was so busy with midterms and fashion week that I didn’t have time to really realize what it meant, that is, until yesterday. I looked at a couple pictures of her and started crying for a little bit, but then I had to move on. Then, later that day, I went to study at Starbucks and sitting directly across from me was a mom with her young daughter. I honestly don’t know how I managed to study across from them for 4 hours because every time I looked at them I wondered about what my mom and I looked like when I was that age. I nearly started crying in Starbucks, so clearly, holding everything in was a BAD idea. To make things even worse, the little girl’s father joined them later on and then I was jealous of how that little girl had two parents there that loved her and that would do anything for her.
I moved out of my house at 17 because commuting to school from home was just too much, but my dad was against it and I think that he still resents my mom and I for going against what he wanted. The only time I talk to him is when I go home to see my sister, so he’s more like a distant family member to me than my actual father. Most of the time I feel like I have no parents. I’m fairly independent and stubborn so it doesn’t really affect me that much, but there are times where I really want to call up someone and tell them about some amazing opportunity that I have and have them tell me that they’re proud of me. I know that if my mom could see everything that I’ve accomplished since she passed away, that she would be so proud of me, but there’s a difference between knowing and actually hearing her say it. I also wish I could have a parent to call up and rant about school or whatever stupid thing is pissing me off that day. I want someone to give me rational advice (as parents do), but actually coming from someone who has life experience, and whose answer won’t annoy me.
These days, I think more and more about the big milestones in my life that my mom will be missing, and whether I will still be happy in that moment or not. What is it going to be like when I graduate from university and I don’t hear her cheer for me when my name is called? My mom always said that when my sister and I got married, that she would also walk us down the aisle, not just our father; what is it going to be like, walking down the aisle and remembering that? What will I tell my kids when they ask me about my mom?
Some of you might be thinking, ‘wow it’s been 2 years and she’s still crying about it? Aren’t you supposed to have already dealt with your grief?’ Dealing with someone’s death will affect everyone differently. Every day I wake up knowing that I don’t have a mom anymore, but the thought doesn’t control my life. It’s only on certain days that I really find myself overwhelmed with emotion, like on her birthday or mine, the anniversary of her death, mother’s day, Christmas…
Before moving into my apartment, my mom said that she would come downtown and we would go to cute boutiques around Yonge and Eglinton and have coffee. So today I decided not to go to school, study a little, and walk around in that area, grab a coffee, and relax.
I do appreciate everyone’s support, but I think that this will always be a painful day, whether it’s been 2 years or 20.