28 Oct Six Years Since Losing My Mom To Breast Cancer

This past weekend was the six-year anniversary of my mom’s passing. I’m not sure how I’m supposed to feel. It’s weird, I thought at this point that I would be sorted out emotionally, but through therapy this year, I’ve realized that I haven’t fully dealt with the trauma of losing her.

I recently got gum surgery and found myself crying as soon as the surgeon left the room because I just wanted my mom to pick me up and take care of me. This is how I’ve felt my grief in recent years; wanting to be a kid whose mom is taking care of her.

I haven’t written about my grief in a while, so I thought I would share some feelings that I’ve been dealing with in regards to losing my mom.

Therapy

I started therapy again in January and it’s been a really interesting experience. I did individual and group therapy when I was in university, but I find that I was focused on addressing the current issues. Now, I go deeper into why I react the way I do in certain situations, what childhood trauma has impacted the way I am, etc. It’s been very very insightful, but also tough to have to face my faults and be aware of my reactions.

In terms of grief, I think I have yet to process the fact that my mom was even sick. She was always positive and tried to act normal, so I never really felt like my mom had cancer. But I’m now left with guilt and regret about not having spent enough time with her. When she passed away, I distracted myself with work and school, and I still don’t think that I’ve processed her death fully. I also don’t even know what dealing with grief is supposed to look like; part of me thinks that this will never end.

A fleeting memory

One of my biggest fears is forgetting my mom. Yes, I can look at pictures and see what she looked like, but what I’m talking about is forgetting the sound of her voice, her laugh (she had a great laugh), the way she smelled, what it felt like to be hugged by her, expressions she used to say, nicknames she used for me, and many more things that I wish I could remember forever.

My mom was French, so I have this nostalgic feeling towards France and anything French. Even when I hear people speaking French on the street, I think of my mom. When I see croissants and other french pastries, I think of her. Watching French movies and listening to music and podcasts in French make me feel closer to her; as if that little part of her is still with me.

Who was Isabelle?

This is something that I’ve realized through therapy; I don’t think I know who my mom was. I knew who she was as a parent, but who was she as a person? I feel like once kids go to university, they start having adult relationships with their parents, they get to know them on a different level.

Unfortunately, I lost my mom when I was 17, so I don’t feel like I ever got to know her past just being my parent. I feel like connecting with her friends and my family in France might be the only way for me to get some of these answers.

Catastrophizing

I knew I had this habit, but recently, therapy has helped me understand why and when this started.

Here’s an example: I saw a black bug on my grandma’s dog. My brain spiraled into “omg is this a flea, if it is, what if it starts infesting my grandma’s room (cause he sleeps on her bed with her), I’m gonna have to bring him to the vet, do I just buy something at a pet store now, ok the vet is gonna be expensive, he also has to get his teeth cleaned/removed, that’s gonna be even more expensive, is he in pain, when am I going to do this, I only come up to see them once a month…” All in the span of a minute.

Last week I realized the reason that I spiral into these thoughts. The first time that the possibility of my mom dying was even spoken about was 3 days before she died. That didn’t give me much time to process and plan anything out. So now, when there’s a somewhat stressful situation that comes up, I automatically start catastrophizing the worst of what could happen.

 

So yeah, it’s a work in progress. I’m very grateful for having access to therapy (for referrals: https://referrals.psychotherapyandcounseling.ca/) and the support that I have from friends and family. If you ever have questions or want to chat about any of the experiences that I’ve dealt with, don’t hesitate to reach out. You’re not alone in any of this (something that I still have to remind myself of).